Maharaja ki Jai Ho !!!

Life is a comedy of errors.said somebody.And its really a breath of fresh air every morning going through the window of the world-a newspaper.Whoever said that the epapers will one day sent the print media to bite dust is as myopic as a person on the front row ogling at Aishwarya Rai in Kajra Re dance number.I mean where can you get the luxury of turning the pages of a Times of India(Economic Times if you are a higher intellect,big finance hotshot and Bangalore Times -if its me) ,sipping a steaming cup of hot tea while the morning sun gradually heats your skin to a pleasant warmness.The laptop will also provide the warmth on your lap -"technically speaking" but then where is the joy of making a nice fold of it after you are through and then slyly putting it back to the neihbours doorsteps from where you picked it up ?

Coming back to the uses of newspaper vis-a-vis the epaper,I find the newspaper to be winning on all departments sans the environmental issue, but then everything is causing Global warming these days including the burping of cattles and Katrina Kaif's hotpants, so why to blame the newspaper alone.And some people like me , concious of the global warming and all,prefer stealing the newspaper from the neighbours or from the office.(RK Pachauri will be proud of me)

1. Imagine you are reading the filmy masala and wondering whether blowing yourself into smithereens as a suicide bomber is more painful than partcipating in Rakhi's swayamwar,you happen to see a spider crawling up your feet.Can you fold you laptop and hit it on the spidy?

2. Your neighbour's sexy daughter is doing stretches on her spandex on her balcony.Ok less imaginative, she is jogging in the park in a jogging dress,nevertheless now you dont seem interested in Mayawati's sexy handbag anymore and you dont want to miss the only high you can get on a day.Can you peep a hole in your laptop and drool at the lass ?

3.You are as tech savvy as Rabri Devi and clicking on zillion links on a epaper is as comforting to you as acting for John Abraham.

If your answers to the above questions are NO , then welcome to our breed of simple people who like to keep things simple.The KISS acronym,right?

It was one of those beautiful mornings , I was on my balcony enjoying the morning paper with a cup of hot tea and thinking about why Govinda is still acting,I glanced through the Headlines "Air India caught flying with 3 extra flyers". Now I am a person who has had the privelege on commuting in overstuffed autos( the ones where you sit on the driver's seat with 3 other people and all you can see of the driver is a pair of hands maneuvering the handle out of thin air),overcrowded buses (where sometimes you are made to sit atop the engine box and the driver skillfully changes the gear underneath your tangling legs), too much overcrowded trains (where sometimes you create your own place at the basin near the entrance doors or some more unfortunate souls travelling in the loo).Most of you have done that unless your parents are not into smuggling golds business.
It seems Air India nowadays is competing with Indian Railways in all respects.You dont increase your passenger fair, we will bring down our tariff.You accomodate so many extra passengers, why should we be lagging on that.There's always room in the cockpit for such situations right? Imagine a Sreesanth like person given the entry in the cockpit, for whom "all the world's a stage" and then he starts fiddling with the gadgets and the pilots in the absence of a Harbhajan Singh to slap him down,your journey would surely be adventorous if not safe.I mean sitting beside a autodriver and doing bakar with him is ok,in a worst case scenario you might end up in a hospital with a couple of broken ribs, but allowing people to sit in a cockpit, is beyond the radar of my rational thinking.
It seeems that the company is in a soup `now and has fired a lot of staffs responsible for their magnanimous behaviour.Air India should not worry about competition from other private aircraft companies,because the government is always there to fill its coffers with tax payers money even if they are making losses.All they should worry about is seeing that people reach their destination safe and sound.

So next time you want a adventure filled ait travel, you know where to book your boarding passes to. Who knows you might end up learning a few avionics lessons on the way.

Tabiyat theek nahi hai...

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit rusty and grumpy.There were some irritations going on, on the back of my throat the day before and some couple of odd sneezes.But now the back of my throat is hurting like somebody trying to push a hot ball covered with barbed wire down my throat and everytime I try to swallow something, it sents a burning sensation to my mind.I am totally under the wraps of cold and throat infection.

Now I am the type of person whose immune system is as strong as frederer's powerful forehand serve and am generally not so much concerned about the viral airborne diseases.Even if a person fully under the clutches of common cold ,sneezing as frequently as ads during an IPL match,I will walk towards him and offer him my kerchief and forget about all the zillions of bacteria and viruses that might have entered inside me, either through the air when he was sneezing, or through the kerchief which I might use afterwards.

But it was one of the days when even the US defence bit the bullet, when two airborne planes brought down two giant mammonths in the blink of an eye and a nasty Nadal sent federer running for cover,that the defence system in me went for a leave of absence and millions of airborne cold viruses attacked me like the media does on finding Dhoni.

I didn' know when I became a host for these unwelcomed visitors.I remembered the day before, I went for a cleaning spree and dusted off all the dirts that have been sheltering on the computers keyboard,CPU and the monitor,the table underneath it.The "chajja' of the room had gathered so much dust that a couple of high powered vaccum cleaners would have a hard time cleaning it, and me with a half broken "jhaadu" with feathers lesser than hair on Sehwag's scalp, looked like mumbai police with their "lathis" up against terrorists with AK 47's and rocket launchers.But as the saying goes-"a bad workman quarrels with his tools",I was hell bent on my mission-"mission Impossible".

As soon as I puffed off the first layer of settled dust from my CPU,I let out a sneeze that could easily replace the roaring lion sound that MGM has trademarked.Covering the nose and mouth region with a handerchief, I was now an official dustbuster.Whatever came my way, was mercilessly terminated.This included 5 cobwebs (with 3 spiders) and 5 cockroaches.The cleaning job took more time then expected.After that I gulped down a chilled can of coke followed by a cold shower.

By the evening, the incubation period of the cold virus seemed completed accentuated by the cleaning,coke and shower activity,that the sneezing presented itself in full effect.

There are many people for whom every headache is a migraine,every stomach ache is a hernia and every Bobby Deol movie is a superhit.One such person is S.

S, seeing me sneeze,"Kya Hua?"
Me, blowing off my nose in the kerchief,"dont know yaar, seems like common cold"

S, not convinced:"I think it might be swine flu.Very common these days"
Me ,startled "cmon yaar, its just sneezes, nothing else, have taken some tablets"

S, sympathetically:"should not take risk,get yourself examined."

Me" why are you so sure that it cannot be the harmless common cold?"

S "Oh! i forgot to tell you ,yesterday I met Mukund who visited one of his friend in hospital suffering from swine flu"

Now I started pictuing his line of thought. The swine flu virus tranferred from the guy in hospital to Mukund, then from Mukund to this person and from this person to me.

Me , a bit petrified"but how come then you are fine?"

S, smiling" Oh! I think , my defence systems are strong I guess :-) "

I dont know whether its a swine flu,bird flu or any other animal flu I am suffering from.It seems a regular viral infection to me and hope to be live and kicking in a couple of days and start blogging again.

till then...aaaaaaccchhhhhhiiiiii.......................

Linkin Park Jayenge ?

Last Sunday I went to take the second proctored mock test at Reliance web in Forum. The test was scheduled to start at 10 in the morning, so I went a bit early only to find the staff over there arranging the chairs and cleaning stuffs and all, so I decided to come out at the entrance and do some bird watching.But it seems the birds in bangalore follow US timings and the only eye delight I could had was the billboards of some phoren underwear brands.Not knowing how to kill time, I went near the second hand books cart at the roadside.The bookwallah seeing me browsing randomly sprang up from I dont know where and started giving as focussed an attention to me as one gives to a video of Jennifer Lopez with full of pelvic thrusts.

Barely having hundred bucks in my wallet and that too meant for my bike's sudden enhanced thirst these days and the credit card meaning to the bookwallah nothing more than what a saree means to Mallika Sherawat ,any business was as unlikely to result as that between Mamata Banerjee and Ratan Tata.So I thought of fooling the bookwallah by asking "bhaiyya aapke paas Rakhi Sawant ka autobiography hai kya?".But mere dost,looks are deceptive and not everyone is a George Bush,the bookwallah gave me the deadliest looks he had reserved for somebody found pilfering on a day when he had scored as little as Sourav Ganguly .I thought it would be better to pull myself from there as soon as possible. "Thhek hai bhaiyya,mai next week aaonga,please ek copy bacha ke rakhna" and I vanished faster than the RGV ki Aag did from the theatres.

Positioning myself at a safe distance incase any book is hurled at me from the bookwallah,I saw a bunch of school kids in white uniforms,laughing and giggling their way to their school.That reminded me of the days when I use to bunk the sports day by faking all bimaris possible to read the latest series of Super Commando Dhruv and Grand Master Robo.The bookwallah can vouch that my taste reagrding books havent changed much.

The kids menawhile signalled one passing auto to stop.Banglore kids are rich, I thought because in my times I remember being stuffed in autos as strong as Julia Roberts wrist,with 20 other kids as if there has been a natural catastrophy and childern needed to be saved first.When the auto stopped, one of the kids accosted the autowallah, "Uncle Linkin Park jayenge?"

The aotowallah was as confused as Rabri Devi being asked about the theory of relativity.The autowallah fearing that there would be no returning passengers from a place called Linkin Park,left.The same thing occured with three more autowallahs who had heard about the Linkin Park no more than they have heard about the US foreign Policy for Timbaktoo.I was certainly having a wonderful time seeing at the hieghtened taste of these kids nowadays, no wonder the television industry has to come up with something really good to match up their refined taste for fun and humor.

Meanwhile a fifth autowallah came by.""Uncle Linkin Park jayenge?" He probably thought that Linkin Park must be somewhere near LalBagh and said "haan jayenge" .I was really wondering what the kids would do now.But what they did was even beyond my expectation.One of the kids came up to the autowallah and politely replied " Toh jao na !!!" and all the kids ran away.I could not see the expression on the autowallah's face as I was getting late for the test and so darted for the web world.Really the Gen X has now been taken over by Gen Y or so to say iGen.

VIRUS Attack !!!!

I woke up this morning earlier(contrary to my hitting the sack at 3 in the morning) than the so called health freak joggers who you can see nowadays swarming every nearest green patch of land available and doing all kind of exercises in the midnight that would give Ramdeo baba run for his money.Last night, I had the nightmare of my life.I saw myself as one of the 16 contestants in Rakhi Sawant's swayamwar who went on to win the swayamwar.The very picturization of this on my fragile mind sent a chilling pain down my spine and I woke up screaming "mummyyyyyy".I could not dare to close my eyes again as I didnt want to be the only person to be hit by lightning twice.Man, I have to stop watching this swayamwar late night.

I was doing the root cause analysis for this sudden advent of Rakhi virus on my system's processor and I jotted down the following reasons:

1) Empty brain is a house of devil: My mom told me when I was six that devils feast on empty minds.I was always worried since then like a Salman Khan worried about his acting skills and I knew sooner or later I would lose all the traces of the grey cells but I did not see it coming this soon.

2) Swami Vivekananda once said that the best time to enhance your memory power is the early wee hours of a day when even the noisy dogs of the colony are dreaming about some bitches of the other colony.So unfortunately, the Rakhi Sawant episode got ingrained in my mind( which anyways has plenty of spaces available nowadays) at the wrong time.

But like a typical software engineer I forgot to carry out the impact analysis test before taking panga with Rakhi and now the virus has started affecting my other daily functions as well, as this morning I downloaded "Chotu Chaliya's" cycle-wali video from youtube and watched it umpteen times and I must say I'm lovin' it. Feels like the virus has caused some serious damages in the taste and visual department.I have decided to kill this virus by watching RGV ki Aag which I am pretty sure will be an overdose for even this virus.

I have decided to go to my hometown this month end and get myself treated by the local tantrik to ward off all the devils that have taken refugee in my body and mind like Katrina Kaif in bollywood.But since my financial position will scare even the beggars in Zimbabwe(if there is one), airway luxury is as much a possibilty for me as my marrying Jennifer Lopez so I have decided to be the guest of Mamata Banerjee.After all Indian railways is the biggest employer in the world today and I will definitely feel more safer under Indian Railways than being at Satyam.

But getting an AC Ticket nowadays is as difficult as Sania Mirza getting past the first round in any championship.So I have to book for a normal sleeper class and get the privelege of becoming the aam aadmi when every other person is becoming a special category person( SC/ST/OBC) -thanx to the Indian Government.So here I come Mamata Didi, to spent 40 hours as your paying guest.

Hope the sleeper class does not take more time to reach my hometown than the AC class :-)

Rakhi showz

Right now i am as busy as a sacked staff of Air India. The present condition of Satyam or so called Mahindra Satyam is no better than the nuclear policy of Nepal.The V.P.P.associates are now enjoying the gift of space and time they have been given and are either bringing down the naukri.com website by thier heavy trafficking activities or getting themselves drown in the sea of vodka and Greenlabel.

But apna haal to Ajit Agarkar ke jaisa hai, who has last faced an international bowler sometime in last decade.The only official activity I am left with is to show my face to my bench manager once in a while just like Subhash Ghai, who makes these painful movies these days just to be in the public eye so that they do not forget him as quickly as his movies.

But the best thing in bench is that you don't have to pretend to be working.You are paid for not working which means you are no longer suspected for any mishaps happening in the project.Not that you are given much responsibilty either.My stint with the last project was as exciting and adventurous as Akash Chopra's stint with the Indian Cricket Team.The project was a dead end in all respects and I feel not a single moment of bereavement or nostalgia.But I do feel bad sometimes when my reporting manager once asked me " Who is your reporting manager?" Man I really need the Axe deodorant which promises to make people like me visible to all kind of human species including girls.

I have planned a detailed schedule of time management or rather time pass management in this bench period.I have decided to watch all the shows of Rakhi Sawant's swayamvar-which I think will kill all the cells in my brain along with all the bad memories.The 16 contestants have given me loads of confidence to avoid self despising, beacuse I am not the lone loser out there.The first episode showed one contestant in a desperate bid to impress Rakhi, offered her some bacardi rum to
help quench her thirst, but forgot that all that Rakhi drinks is "tharra" or a low quality desi.You should see the expression on Rakhi's face, she was like "Man grow up,I am totally desi and dont offer something that I cant even pronounce, forget about the spelling".

There are a lot more ways to punish yourself by watching television nowadays but I'll touch that gory part
some other time. Its already 3 am in the morning and guess what, there is a rerun of Rakhi's first episode
in the TV.Need some more punishment I guess, so that I can have a nice sleep.